7 Simple Fixes to Keep Google from Hating Your Site
by: That One SEO Nerd with Too Many Tabs Open
Let’s be honest: technical SEO sounds like something only robots and caffeine-fueled devs care about. But if your site was a car, technical SEO is the part that makes sure your brakes work, your headlights aren’t busted, and your bumper isn’t held on by duct tape.
Today, we’re going to walk through 7 basic-but-crucial technical SEO fixes that won’t require a PhD in XML or the ability to code like it’s The Matrix. And yes — we’ll make it fun, or at least funny.
- Your Site is Slower Than My Grandma’s Dial-Up
What’s the deal?
Page speed is a ranking factor. If your site takes longer than 3 seconds to load, people will leave faster than you can say “bounce rate.”
Fix it like a boss:
- Use Google PageSpeed Insights
- Compress your images with TinyPNG
- Ditch 12 of those 37 plugins you don’t actually use
- Consider switching to a faster host (shared hosting ≠ fast hosting)
Pro tip: If your homepage takes longer to load than it does to microwave a burrito, you’ve got work to do.
- Your Website Thinks Mobile Users Are a Myth
What’s the deal?
Over 60% of traffic is mobile. If your site looks like a crushed PDF on a phone, Google will drop you like it’s hot.
Fix it:
- Use a responsive theme
- Test your site with Google’s Mobile-Friendly Test
- Make buttons thumb-friendly. If I have to zoom in like I’m defusing a bomb, it’s too small.
- Let the Bots Crawl, Karen
What’s the deal?
If search engines can’t crawl your site, they can’t rank your site. That’s like telling a librarian to alphabetize your books while blindfolded.
Fix it:
- Check your robots.txt file (www.yoursite.com/robots.txt)
- Make sure you’re not accidentally disallowing everything
- Add a sitemap and submit it in Google Search Console
Bonus tip: A sitemap is like giving Google Maps to a search engine. Without it, bots will wander around your site like tourists with no sense of direction.
- You’ve Got Zombie Pages
What’s the deal?
Hundreds of low-quality, thin, or duplicate pages weigh down your SEO like ankle weights in a swimming pool.
Fix it:
- Identify them using tools like Screaming Frog, Ahrefs, or SEMrush
- Noindex or remove thin content
- Merge pages that say basically the same thing (like your 5 identical “About Us” pages — looking at you, Chad)
- Canonical Tags: Because Duplicate Content is a Crime
What’s the deal?
If your product pages exist at multiple URLs (e.g., /product/red-shirt and /product/red-shirt?ref=ad), Google gets confused. And when Google’s confused, nobody wins.
Fix it:
- Use canonical tags to tell Google which version of a page is the “main” one
- Add <link rel=”canonical” href=”https://yoursite.com/page”> in the head tag
Tip: Canonicals are like saying, “Hey Google, ignore my evil twin. This is the real me.”
- Clean URLs: Because Nobody Likes UGLY
What’s the deal?
If your URLs look like this:
www.mysite.com/index.php?categoryid=6&productid=1492&session=lolwut
…you’re doing it wrong.
Fix it:
- Use short, readable URLs with keywords: /best-running-shoes
- Avoid random numbers, symbols, and your ex’s initials
Bad URL: www.example.com/page?id=1234&source=unknown&tracking=chaos
Good URL: www.example.com/seo-tips
- 💀 Broken Links Are SEO’s Version of Stepping on Legos
What’s the deal?
Dead links suck — for users and for search engines. If Google finds too many 404s, it starts treating your site like that friend who never texts back.
Fix it:
- Scan for broken links using tools like Screaming Frog, Ahrefs, or Broken Link Checker
- Fix or redirect broken URLs
- Use 301 redirects (not 302s, unless you’re just “taking a break” like Ross and Rachel)
TL;DR: Technical SEO Doesn’t Have to Suck
Problem | Fix | Tool |
Slow load time | Compress images, cut plugins | PageSpeed Insights |
Bad mobile UX | Responsive design | Mobile-Friendly Test |
Crawl errors | Check robots.txt, sitemap | Search Console |
Thin content | Merge/noindex | Screaming Frog |
Duplicate pages | Canonical tags | HTML + sanity |
Ugly URLs | Short + keyword-rich | Your CMS |
Broken links | 301 redirects | Ahrefs, Screaming Frog |
Final Thoughts: Google Just Wants You to Be Better
Google’s like that strict but fair teacher. It wants to give you an A, but you have to turn in your homework and maybe stop serving 5MB GIFs of dancing cats on your homepage.
Make a few simple technical changes and watch your rankings stop ghosting you.
Want more SEO advice served with memes and sarcasm? Drop your email faster than your bounce rate and stay tuned for more posts.
